Dove’s Experiment: How Do You See Yourself?

This video has been going viral. And it should.

As part of their campaign to increase women’s confidence in their own natural beauty, Dove created this three-minute video in which a forensic artist sketches portraits of women by going off of what they say about themselves. Later, he does one more sketch of each woman – but this time, his sketch is based off of how another person describes the individual. Seeing the two sketches side-by-side is simply eye opening.

I, along with hundreds upon thousands of women and men, will have body dysmorphic disorder for the rest of my life. I will never see myself as I truly am to others. No matter what the scale, the mirror, or pictures tell me, I will always have too many scars. I will always be ten pounds overweight.

But I have glimpses of reality now and then. I have good days. I hear the sparrow’s song, I watch the waters move across the lake, and I am at peace. Mental illness does not mean that we cannot learn how to cultivate love for ourselves and spread it outward. Powerful videos and campaigns like this remind me that, no matter what we’ve been diagnosed with, no matter how we see ourselves or what demons lurk within our brain, we each have the capacity for tolerance. The potential for a better, more understanding and loving community lies in each one of our hands. The world truly is ours to mold.

With all my love.

A Recipe To Cure Anxiety

First of all, I want to apologize for being MIA. Things got crazy for a while, but I’m still devoted to the ideas behind this blog as ever.

I think I’ve talked about the physical repercussions of anxiety before. Some people break into a cold sweat, others suffer headaches. But a huge trend I’ve noticed, both within myself and others that I’ve chatted with who are diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, are the stomach flu-like symptoms.

I remember in college, I would wake up in the morning and think I came down with something. Nausea, bloating, diarrhea, drenched in a cold sweat and so dizzy I couldn’t see straight.  I’m embarrassed to say how many times I stayed home from school, only to have the symptoms subside around 10 or 11 AM. Eventually I learned that these were panic attacks, and that everyone experiences panic attacks and anxiety differently. In my case, I have severe stomach distress.

I’ve been in therapy for over a year now and I’ve learned how to manage my stress. But sometimes I still wake up in the morning and feel a little sick and uneasy. What’s worse, is that while it’s crucial that I eat breakfast because of my long commute, the thought of forcing cereal or oatmeal down my throat makes me want to gag.

I came up with a little morning smoothie that’s great for my health and easy on the digestive system. I can manage it in sips and easily pack it to go if I’m feeling sick. Plus, it’s so easy to substitute ingredients depending on my mood and cravings.

In the blender, I plop in:

1 banana

1 tablespoon almond butter

1/4 cup coffee

3/4 cup kefir

3/4 cup almond milk

2 tablespoons yogurt (Fage Greek Yogurt is my personal favorite)

I’m notorious for eyeballing ingredients, so play around with the amounts. And then…mix and drink!

The key ingredient is, of course, yogurt and kefir. The cultures in the yogurt, once in your stomach, aid in the digestive process and decrease bloating and other uncomfortable sensations.

With all my love.

Crystal Renn & Wild Hunger

 

Crystal Renn was my role model for many, many years. Not only is she intelligent and super attractive, but when she came out about her battle with anorexia in the modeling industry and how she forged a revolutionary career for herself by NOT starving, I was floored.

Like many young women, I’ve fought my own battles with eating disorder issues. I come from a long line of curvy, Hispanic women. I was the darker, chubby girl in a schoolroom full of skinny white chicks. By the time I was twelve I was ready to crawl out of my skin. Restrictive dieting, chewing and spitting, compulsive exercise, calorie counting; the past decade of my life has been marked by an insatiable, wild hunger. Stomach grumbling in the middle of lecture, digging to the bottom of my bag for aspirin to relieve my headaches. It wasn’t just food I was hungry for, though. I was starving for acceptance, and I pursued it eagerly – first from the boys I dated, and then when that didn’t pan out the way I thought it would, I began looking for it in myself.

So when I saw these photos in Vogue a few years ago, I practically jumped for joy. Here was a woman – not some twig with sunken cheeks, but a woman with an ass and hips and thighs for Christ’s sake – here was a woman unafraid to eat, unashamed to lick her plate, to serve herself seconds, even thirds. I deserve this, she seems to be saying. So fuck you.

Is It Abuse Yet?

When I first start blogging, I was definitely afraid of writing about skin picking and outing myself as a dermatillomaniac. Now that I’ve seemed to cross that hurdle, I think it’s time to tackle another subject close to my heart, but just as sensitive: abuse.

Like anything that contains a shred of importance, abuse is incredibly difficult to talk about with any sense of ease or fluidity. It comes in many forms – emotional, verbal, physical, sexual – and often from someone whom we’ve loved and trusted. There are no boundary lines when it comes to abusive relationships, and there is no territory that cannot be tread.

Further, I’ve come to understand that emotional and verbal abuse, though infinitely more subtle and inconspicuous, can be just as painful and lasting in memory as sexual or physical abuse. A quick glance at the etymological origin of the word ‘abuse’ reveals that it stems from the 15th century usage, meaning “to misuse.” And this is a question I often ask myself: how hurt and void of love are we as human beings, that we feel the need to use one another, and treat each other as if we were mere objects?

After I broke up with my abusive ex-boyfriend, I went through a period of a few years that I now lightly refer to in polite conversation as “a hard time.” Rewind. Let’s rephrase that. I was going mental.

I found myself disassociating during sex with my new and wonderful boyfriend, and as a result the skin picking became horrendously worse. And then, as if shame and the inward pressure weren’t enough, the nightmares started coming in droves. Each one had a chillingly similar scenario: being gang raped by a group of men in an alley, chased by men with knives, or being held at gunpoint.  It was waking up in a cold sweat every morning that finally pushed me into delving into my past.

Hauling skeletons out of the closet is exhausting, but I came out of it with a set of vocabulary I could use to describe the relationship I’d had with the ex: namely, that of abuse. See,  I never fully recognized what the ex had done to me as abuse. All my life I’d been under the false impression that abuse was something which happened to people in dysfunctional families. Abuse was a foreign concept. It was not talked about during my high school semester of sex education. It was not discussed in my junior year psychology class.  It was, therefore, something that would never happen to me, untouchable as I was in middle-class suburbia. It was right up there with rape, poverty, disease and starvation.

But it happened, and it happened to me.

I dearly wish that at 17 I had been educated enough to understand the signs of an abusive relationship. I wish I had been taught to say, “No” – a word that, as a shy and eager to please teenager, simply wasn’t in my dictionary. Below, I’ve listed a few of the warning signs from the Lindsay Ann Burke Memorial Fund web page. Is it abuse yet? If you’re wondering, then it probably is.

EXTREME JEALOUSY

Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and lack of trust, but the abuser will say that it is a sign of love. The abuser will question the victim about who they talk to, accuse them of flirting, or be jealous of time spent with their friends, family, or children. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work or go to school for fear of meeting someone else. The abuser may call the victim frequently or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may accuse the victim of flirting with someone else or having an affair.

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

One partner completely rules the relationship and makes the decisions. This includes “checking up” on the victim, timing a victim when they leave the house, checking the odometer on the car, questioning the victim about where they go. They may also check the victim’s cell phone for call history, their email or website history. The abuser may control the finances and tries to tell the victim how to dress, who to talk to, and where to go.

ISOLATION

The abuser tries to keep the victim from friends and family by putting down everyone the victim knows, including their family and friends. They may keep the victim from going to work or school.

HYPERSENSITIVITY

An abuser is easily insulted and takes everything as a personal attack and blows things out of proportion.

CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN

The abuser may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain. They may have unfair expectations of children or tease them until they cry.

“PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE IN SEX

The abuser may throw or hold their partner down during sex, may pressure their partner into having sex, may demand sex when their partner is tired or ill or doesn’t want to have sex. They may ask the victim to do things they do not want to do.

VERBAL ABUSE

The abuser says cruel and harmful things to their victim, degrades them, curses at them, calls them names, or puts down their accomplishments. The abuser tells their victims they are stupid, and unable to function without them. They embarrass and put down the victim in front of others as well.

BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS

This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking treasured possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may break or strike objects near the victim to frighten them.

ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT

The abuser may hold the victim down, restrain them from leaving the room, may push, shove, or hold them against a wall.

With all my love.

Take Back Your Power: Skin Picking/Hair Pulling Webinar

The Trichotillomania Learning Center recently sent out an email to everyone on their distribution list about a webinar coming up on January 30th. The day and the time might be a little inconvenient, but it’s only $10 to attend from the comfort of your computer’s surroundings. I’ve pasted the description below.

Take Back Your Power from BFRBs

Wednesday, January 30th, 2013

with Joan Kaylor, MSEd, NCC, LPC, DCEP

11:00am PT / 12:00pm MT  1:00pm CT  / 2:00pm ET

“Anyone who has ever been touched by pulling or picking has experienced the pain and devastation of not being able to stop, or of not being able to help a child, spouse, partner or loved one suffering with these problems.  The frustration of hands that are out of control is just as horrendous as any chemical addiction, perhaps worse because we don’t have to buy our substance of choice. We have it with us at all times.

Joan Kaylor, who herself is pull-free after living with trichotillomania for many years, will share strategies for maintaining motivation through recovery, how to stop judging yourself, setting attainable goals, and how to continue using strategies even when you think they aren’t working (or aren’t working fast enough). This webinar is correctly named “Take Back Your Power from BFRBs” because you can take back your power.

Attendance is limited. Sign up today!”

With all my love.

On Relationships & Skin Picking: The Conversation, Part 2

I recently posted Part 1 of a conversation between Eugene and me about BDD, dermatillomania, and a whole slew of other issues. Here is Part 2 of the conversation.

With all my love.

 

Veva: You recently told me that there were times during our relationship when it became very frustrating and/or difficult to be with me because of the skin picking. Can you recall one of those times?

Eugene: I think the clearest one was when you were seeing a steady improvement in your picking. You decided to stop taking the medication, but then you hit a rough patch, so you went back to the pills again.

Veva: Yeah, I remember you being pretty upset.

Eugene: And the reason I was so frustrated was because I just knew that meds weren’t the answer for you. Even when you were on them, they didn’t really help your symptoms and they’d leave you with a large number of side effects.

At the same time, I saw that when you consistently worked on the cognitive behavioral therapy, and kept track of your thoughts, you would improve, albeit with the occasional setback. Each time you relapsed you had a tendency to think that you hadn’t made any progress. It ties into what I was saying earlier. It’s not about stopping the picking cold turkey, it’s about making small improvements and really REALIZING those improvements, and taking solace in them when you do have a relapse.

Now, there are certainly people that might be very happy with taking medication and have a good quality of life with them. But for some people it might be worth it to take the long struggle, and figure out how to deal with these issues through alternative methods.

I also became frustrated when you were unwilling to share whatever was on your mind, and the reason behind your relapse or mood swings. What would help you was going, step by step, through what triggered your urges so that next time you’d be able to intercept those feelings early on. But sometimes you would just shut me out for hours at a time and not tell me anything. It was frustrating trying to break your walls down and just getting you to talk and vent, to help you relieve some of the pressure built up within you.

Veva: I think there’s a lot to address in what you said. And I’m not going to try to defend myself, but I just sort of want to give you an idea of what was going through my head…vulnerability played a big role in that shutting out business. Suddenly, here was a person whom I loved very, very much, more than any other boyfriend I’d ever had, and I needed to be perfect. And I wasn’t. I saw it as the ultimate failure.

And at that time I was trying to come to terms with this abuse that was still under my skin. I shooed it away because I hated admitting that it still had an effect on me – his words, his touch finding points to echo off of in my current life, even in you. None of me wanted to remember. In my mind, it was so long ago and I reasoned I should have moved on by now. But I’ve come to understand that healing from anything, even just verbal abuse, can take years and years. Shutting you out was my way of separating you from that part of my history. I’m glad that you have given me the room and the time to work through this facet of my life.

And then there’s the medication bit you mentioned. When I was first diagnosed, I was told, more or less, that a pill would cure me. I know now that that’s pure hogwash. But what a beautiful dream that would be! And I think it’s something I clung onto for so long because I really didn’t want to work through my thoughts and emotions. I especially didn’t want to work with my body. I had just gotten out of a sexually abusive relationship. A lot of darkness and anger lingered.

Working through my thoughts and emotions meant that I had to delve into my own personal underworld – and I know I tend to overuse that metaphor, but it’s the best one out there, and quite apt. When I began dating you, I just wanted a new life – a life without skin picking, or anger or hurt.

But no one gets a brand new start. No one (or, at least, very few people) can take a pill to demolish their demons. But now I see all these brave bloggers countering their darkest fears through writing and this social network world instead, and I think it’s great.  I think the internet serves as a community tool that really connects us as human beings, simply because we don’t have to pretend to be someone we’re not. We don’t have to put on a face for the world. We can write and vent and the world will not stop and stare as much as it will empathize.

Eugene: Not to interrupt you, but the way you said, “work through my thoughts and emotions” was exactly what I was getting at before. It is really difficult to undertake a journey like that, and the easy solution that is backed by doctors and scientists and research doesn’t involve months or possibly even years of painful introspection. So it’s more appealing to people.

Veva: I agree. And to add to what you said, I definitely think emotion is missing from Western medicine. I’ve been studying healing on the soul level, as you know, and it sounds really new-age-y and silly when you put it like that – soul healing – but really, what else is there? Our bodies and emotions are fragile. We are sensitive. We break and hurt and scar. Stress raises blood pressure, forced sex caused UTI’s.

Our bodies are physical manifestations of the soul’s world. Why not treat it as such, instead of with pills? And I’m not saying pills don’t have their place. They most certainly do. I just think we need to make room for emotion, love and soul in the healthcare field. We’ve grown up believing that these concepts don’t belong in medicine, but they do.

Eugene: And I think that ties in nicely with the renewed attention to mental health in light of the recent violence across America. There needs to be just as much focus on mental/emotional health as there is on heart disease, obesity, and cancer.

Veva: Exactly. Scientists have been studying these connections for ages, but slowly I think links are finally being formed. This is quite an exciting time for the world. But I’m an optimist.

Did you ever feel hurt by my self-destructive behavior, or the repercussions it had on my mood?

Eugene: I think I would get more upset over the repercussions of your skin picking and how down and hopeless you would feel after a relapse. I had a hard time convincing you that you could get better. Sometimes you would personally attack me because you were angry at yourself about a recent relapse, and I’d get upset when you found a way to twist it around and claim that I was trying to control you, or that I was being too harsh on you.

Veva: I remember a lot of that. I still feel awful about those times. I guess I was just stressed out. All these demands I was placing on myself, and every time I failed it felt like none of them had been met. There was just so much anger, and it was easy to displace that anger on you.  I’m glad we’re both at a better place now, and that things have smoothed out.

I think I’m done with my questions. Do you have anything you want to add?

Eugene: If a person truly sees value in who you are as a person, they’ll be willing to work with you and help you through whatever issues you have – as long as you’re willing to make the same commitment to them. And I think it’s important to realize that being attractive to someone does not come from being perfect, but instead from allowing your inner personality to shine through. It comes from putting your true thoughts and feelings out there as best as you can. The more you express who you are on the inside, regardless of flaws, the more “perfect” you will become for your significant other.

 

On Relationships & Skin Picking: The Conversation, Part 1

What goes on in the brain of a guy (or gal) in a relationship with a maniac? As the culprits of our own misery and shame, we skin pickers and hair pullers tend to believe that we’re the only sufferers of our self-destructive behaviors. But what we do, say and believe about ourselves has the power to hurt the people around us as well.

So, thoroughly curious about what I could uncover about my own relationship as well as others, I interviewed my man. I thought it would be a quick thing, but when we finished our conversation I realized had quite a bit of material. The interview had evolved from a formal Q&A to a discussion about relationships, self-image, the long-term effects of abuse, and medicinal science.

A little background for you: Eugene and I have been together for a little over three and a half years. We love one another very much, and have a great connection that just seems to deepen and grow the longer we’re together. But obviously, and as you’ll read, it has not always been smooth sailing.

Here is the first leg of the interview. Part two will be up in a few days. With all my love.

Veva: What were your first impressions of me?

Eugene: I thought you were really sweet, in a genuine kind of way.  I could tell that you weren’t interested in wearing designer brands or making sure that you fit in with the mainstream. I saw you as someone who, in a way, lived in their own world. I had this vision of you as a “true artist” that simply viewed the world in a different manner than most people did.

I think what had the biggest impact on me is how genuinely unconcerned you were with yourself and the image you portrayed. I could tell that you wouldn’t be that person in a relationship to always demand things and become the center of attention. Of course, I thought you were very pretty, especially your face. I always had a way with reading a person by their face/facial expressions, and yours was very kind.

Veva: I’d like to point out here that I think it’s very interesting how maniacs view themselves, versus how others view them. I have always seen myself as a hungry, greedy person – greedy for love, affection and attention, though of course too shy to actively seek it out. And I was always so obsessed with the image I portrayed, especially when I met you.

Do you remember seeing any signs of the skin picking or related behaviors (BDD, self-consciousness, a preoccupation with mirrors) before I told you specifically about my diagnoses?

Eugene: I honestly didn’t notice anything. But you also told me fairly early on, so maybe we hadn’t been together long enough for me to really notice. A lot of things that appear as horrible blotches or scars on the skin of a person with dermatillomania, appeared to me as just regular blemishes/imperfections that everyone has. I only knew what they actually were because later on I was aware of your condition. But if you hadn’t told me I would’ve probably thought they were just regular blemishes/acne that a lot of people just develop naturally.

I think that’s one of the big things that those with BDD/dermatillomania have a hard time understanding. Most people don’t see these imperfections as horribly hideous things that need to be rooted out, but just a part of being human.

Veva: I kind of agree with you there, but then again I believe that that’s one of the symptoms of BDD – an inability to accept certain undeniable aspects of your humanity, right down to an emotional and intellectual level.

A lot of maniacs I talk to say they feel weird in their own skin. I myself have experienced the sensation of needing to break free, of understanding that I wasn’t wholly human, yet also limited by the fact that at least this body was, and this body was what I was given to work with. And not only that, but my mind and feelings as well. Greed, anger, loathing, love – all of it ugly, and all of it mine.

I’ve often wondered, then, how much this is our culture’s doing, our own doing. If we say we’re not allowed to have imperfections, if we photoshop every face on the billboards, then it must happen at an emotional level as well, right? If we can’t have acne, or scars, then we certainly aren’t allowed to feel things like jealousy, greed, or even love.

Eugene: I think this also gets to the root of one of the main causes behind dermatillomania/BDD. Most people are able to at least somewhat disassociate themselves from all those images on the billboards and say, “Well, I don’t have perfect skin like the person on there. I try and do my best, but oh well.”  While those with BDD and dermatillomania are a lot more sensitive to those images. I think they have a much harder time saying, “Hey, it’s okay if I’m imperfect.” I think the message of “You’re not allowed to be imperfect” carries much more meaning and has a larger impact on those with BDD/dermatillomania.

Veva: Perhaps. I’d like to argue that it carries meaning for all of us, and affects the way we even treat one another. Can you remember the time that I first told you about the skin picking? What was your reaction?

Eugene: I do remember that you sat me down, and you told me you had something very important to tell me. You said you wanted to tell me early on, so that you weren’t leading me on and then dropping it on me when I was much more invested in the relationship.

But my reaction really wasn’t that strong. It’s hard to describe. I wasn’t shocked or surprised by it. I just saw it as an issue, one that you needed help working through. Still, I think I at least subconsciously understood that it was a pretty big issue and not something that would just quickly go away with some work. But it wasn’t something that made me seriously consider leaving the relationship.

I think a lot of that has to do with my personality. I’ve always been the person that my friends go to for help with their personal and mental health issues., and I love helping them through those challenges. So I guess a part of the reason why I didn’t have a huge negative reaction was because I saw it as any opportunity to help you out, and by helping you draw you closer to me. And make you like me even more.

Veva: Ha! You fiend. Yeah. I think the character of the person you’re with, and their reaction, can have a lot to do with the healing process. My ex boyfriend was chameleon-like in his support – one day he would tell me I should go to therapy, take meds, the whole shebang. A week later he’d be so angry about it, and told me it was my own fault I couldn’t stop. Which was so hard to hear, especially from someone whose opinion I valued so much.

 Eugene: I do remember immediately having a few questions, and the biggest one for me was figuring out the root cause of why you picked. I remember being relieved when you clarified that it wasn’t what you could consider “cutting.” I think there’s a strong link to think of self harm as cutting, but with you the self harm had a lot more to do with stress and anxiety rather than depression.